IROAWTMTFL Chapter 60

Yan Yan followed behind Zhuang Yiyun. He didn’t speak, he just followed quietly, observing wherever Zhuang Yiyun looked. It only took about five minutes to walk around the small church, but Zhuang Yiyun examined it carefully, down to every flower.

“When I was a child, this osmanthus tree had just been planted, it had very few branches. The second summer after it was planted, there was a severe drought, and it almost dried up. I used to come and help water it every day.”

“Is there no one in this church? Why do they still need your help?” Yan Yan had just asked this question when a noise came from behind them. It was the sound of a wheelchair rolling.

The two turned around and met the newcomer, a middle-aged man in a black cotton coat and had half-white hair. He looked to be in his fifties and had a warm smile.

Zhuang Yiyun was stunned and instinctively crouched down. He just felt like he was too tall right now, and it wasn’t good to talk to this man from such a high position.

The man in the wheelchair carefully observed Zhuang Yiyun. He was a bit uncertain, and asked, “Are you Yiyun?”

Zhuang Yiyun widened his eyes in surprise. He hadn’t expected to be recognized so easily. He nodded, and Yan Yan, who stood beside him, saw Zhuang Yiyun’s Adam’s apple move, as if he found it difficult to speak. After a moment, he called out, “Uncle Xu.”

“It’s really you, you’ve grown so tall. Come, come, get up, don’t crouch, let Uncle Xu see.”

Zhuang Yiyun stood up as he was told, and Uncle Xu pulled him to look him over from front to back, nodding continuously. “You are from the old Zhuang family. I admired your grandfather the most when I was a kid, he was so handsome.”

After examining him, Uncle Xu looked at Yan Yan with eyes full of smiles, waiting for Zhuang Yiyun to introduce him.

“Hello, Uncle Xu.” Yan Yan was never afraid of dealing with elders and would call them on his own initiative. He is lively, smart and enthusiastic, and can handle everything when he wants to pretend to be well-behaved. He is a favorite type among elders.

“This is my partner, Yan Yan.” Zhuang Yiyun said.

“Yan as in color and Yan as in continuous.” Yan Yan continued with a sweet smile.

Uncle Xu was a bit surprised, but he had no disdain or malice towards Yan Yan’s gender. After scrutinizing him for a moment, he smiled and said, “A good child, very gentle.”
“Yes, that’s right,” Zhuang Yiyun replied. Besides a slight awkwardness from the reunion with Uncle Xu, he seemed very natural.

Yan Yan was speechless. He didn’t consider himself gentle, yet Zhuang Yiyun nodded seriously.

“Xiao Yan, didn’t you ask if there were no people in the church earlier?” Uncle Xu didn’t shy away from the conversation he overheard between the two. He also didn’t hide his own condition and continued with a smile, “I am the pastor here. I’m the only one here so when the neighbors have free time, they come to help.”

Yan Yan was a bit surprised. A pastor? Uncle Xu’s demeanor was so accepting it didn’t seem like it. Plus, he was in a wheelchair. Yan Yan made a point not to glance at his legs; it would be impolite to focus on a person’s disability, but he could still notice the emptiness in the bottom of his pants.

After the greeting, Uncle Xu led them inside the chapel. It was very small, with only five rows of ten benches. There were no stained glass windows, let alone a dome. Except for a large cross on the wall directly opposite the entrance, there were hardly any characteristics of a typical church. Undoubtedly, this was the most basic church among all the churches Yan Yan had visited.

As soon as Uncle Xu entered, congregants came to talk to him. Yan Yan listened to his conversation, and apart from making a sign of a cross on his chest, there was no other religious characteristic. They chatted about everyday matters. Yan Yan found it quite novel and followed Zhuang Yiyun to sit in the front row.

“Uncle Xu doesn’t seem like a pastor, right?” Zhuang Yiyun suddenly said.

Yan Yan snapped out of his thoughts, retracting his gaze from Uncle Xu. He nodded, “Indeed, he doesn’t. But I don’t know the professional requirements for pastors set by the religious association. Do they need certification?”

Zhuang Yiyun chuckled. “I don’t know.”

“Did you come here often when you were a child?” Yan Yan looked up at the somewhat mottled ceiling.

“Yes.” Zhuang Yiyun also raised his head to see what he was looking at. “But not often… I usually couldn’t come.”

“Why? Didn’t you say your grandmother’s house was nearby?”

Yan Yan seamlessly continued the conversation. In essence, it was just a small self-built house, but for some reason, sitting here and looking at the ceiling, he felt exceptionally relaxed and comfortable.

“I used to sneak out to come here.”

Yan Yan was stunned and turned to look at him.

“Sneak out?” Yan Yan’s momentary relaxation was replaced by curiosity. Why did Zhuang Yiyun invite him to such a small church on Valentine’s Day? It couldn’t be just for sightseeing.

Zhuang Yiyun didn’t respond to his gaze, still looking at the unremarkable ceiling.

“Yes.”

“Before my grandmother passed away, we lived around here. My mother was very strict with me since I was a child. Once, I couldn’t stand it anymore and ran away without even knowing where to go. I was just five years old and felt that the entire street was very far away, like half the world. I walked from my grandmother’s house to here, and when I couldn’t walk anymore, I came in.”

Five years old… to think that a five-year-old child could have the courage to run away from home alone, that must have been incredibly difficult.

Yan Yan’s voice sounded a bit dry, ”How strict was she?”

“I had to be the best among my peers. No playing games, no watching cartoons, no reading miscellaneous books, no eating snacks, no making friends with classmates who had poor grades, no sitting next to female classmates… I forgot the other prohibitions. After all, she can’t control me anymore.”

Zhuang Yiyun’s words were indifferent, as if devoid of emotion, yet Yan Yan felt suffocated by the loneliness emanating from him.

He remembered his own childhood; his parents were really indulgent with him. They always believed that childhood was the most carefree period in one’s life and one should be free and easy. They allowed him to play and explore as he pleased. There were parents in their residential complex who pushed their children too hard, with endless extracurricular classes, but he had never heard of so many restrictions.

“What would happen if you didn’t obey?” Yan Yan recalled the slap Zhuang Yiyun had received last time. “Would she hit you?”

“Not much.” Zhuang Yiyun turned his head from the ceiling to face Yan Yan. “She would cry, scold, and even hit herself. If I did something wrong, she would say it was her fault, that she didn’t teach me well. Then, she would start slapping herself…”

Yan Yan gasped, feeling a chill. For a child to see his mother slap herself in a fit of madness, it was better to be beaten. Zhuang Yiyun’s eyes seemed vacant, and Yan Yan felt heartbroken just looking at him.

“Whenever she went crazy, she could slap herself dozens of times at once. How could I dare to make mistakes? My grandmother couldn’t control her no matter how much she talked to her. She promised to be good, but it was the same in the end. I couldn’t miss a note when playing the violin, couldn’t make a mistake in homework. Even grandma didn’t dare to secretly buy anything for me. Only when she wasn’t home could I secretly run out and catch my breath here. My grandmother dared not casually tell her that I had run away. Usually, I would go back on my own at the right time.”

“I often helped Uncle Xu water the flowers, clean the tables, and do odd jobs. Sometimes, I listened to Uncle Xu preaching; he’s very good at telling stories. There was also a time when a choir came and my grandmother came over to get me. I didn’t want to go back, so I sneaked into the choir and sang with the choir kids, hoping my grandmother wouldn’t notice. I remember, that day, my grandmother cried when she heard them sing. Later, she would secretly bring me here to play. She also helped tidy up the church.”

“That was the happiest time of my life.” Zhuang Yiyun suddenly held Yan Yan’s hand, interlocking their fingers. “After my grandmother passed away, my mother took me away from Xing City, and I never came back…”

“Gege…” Yan Yan didn’t know what to say or what he should say. Offering comfort for past wounds had little meaning now.

Zhuang Yiyun had never been one to express his emotions, and he was not good at it either. He understood how much courage it took to bring him here and tell him all this. He squeezed Zhuang Yiyun’s hand tighter in response.

“Others always thought I was very smart. I skipped grades since elementary school, entered university at fifteen, and got my Ph.D. at twenty-three. But only I knew that if I didn’t do this, I couldn’t control my mother’s illness.”

Zhuang Yiyun took a deep breath, as if he couldn’t control the emotions building up inside him. Suddenly, he lifted their joined hands and bit his own fingertip. When Yan Yan’s hand touched his lips, it felt icy, and he shivered. Even though it was Zhuang Yiyun who was bitten, Yan Yan felt the pain.

Zhuang Yiyun’s bite was not light, and Yan Yan immediately pulled the fingertip out of his mouth. There were clear bite marks.

Zhuang Yiyun took several deep breaths, panting heavily and saying, “I’m sorry,” his expression filled with disgust.

Obviously, his mother’s influence on him ran deep, to the point where mentioning the past could trigger such a reaction. His stress reaction was even somewhat similar to his mother’s, he unconsciously hurt himself.

Yan Yan felt as if his heart was being squeezed, and he felt numb and cold. He put the part of Zhuang Yiyun’s finger with bite marks into his mouth, licking it gently. He regretted it. He wished he hadn’t come today; he wished they had just missed their Valentine’s Day date.

No, as soon as the thought surfaced, it was suppressed. He still wanted to know. He wanted to enter this man’s world; he didn’t want him to suffer in silence.

Yan Yan’s eyes turned red. Suddenly, Zhuang Yiyun said, “I brought you here to tell you that there is a thorn in my heart, deep within my flesh, rotting away, and I can’t pull it out. Yan Yan, I’m not as clean and pure as you might think. Regardless of how much I loathe it, deep down, I’m like her. She spent her whole life trying to control my life, and I won’t allow you to leave.”

There was a darkness that seemed to devour everything in Zhuang Yiyun’s eyes. He tightened his grip on Yan Yan’s hand, squeezing it until it hurt.

“I initially wanted to give you a chance to choose, to explain everything to you first. But now, it’s impossible. Yan Yan, I can’t let you go. You can only be with me for the rest of your life. Do you understand?”

Yan Yan looked at him and shook his head.

Zhuang Yiyun’s brow furrowed, as if deeply offended. However, he made an effort to control himself and attempted to suppress the anger.

“I don’t understand. Why would I want to leave?”

It was as if a magic prop knife was aimed at Zhuang Yiyun. He thought would pierce his heart, but instead of penetrating, the blade retracted as soon as it touched him.

Yan Yan’s hand gently touched his forehead. He applied a bit of pressure, and then he smiled. He leaned close to Zhuang Yiyun’s ear and whispered, “Gege, you’re really strange. You’re tired of me after just one night?”

Yan Yan’s teasing tone was like lightning, tearing through the dense night and breaking Zhuang Yiyun out of the shadows.

Zhuang Yiyun smiled. He looked at Yan Yan, then tilted his head back, smiling widely without making a sound. Yan Yan blinked, then suddenly stood up and pounced, planting a kiss on Zhuang Yiyun’s forehead.