“Cough…”
A sharp, stabbing pain pierced his mind, and Fu Sang almost lost the strength to stand properly. He coughed muffledly and finally staggered before dropping to one knee on the ground.
It hurt…
It hurt so much.
He couldn’t quite distinguish whether the pain came from his mind or his heart.
He only knew that it hurt.
Every cell in his body, every inch of bone, every part of his meridians…all of them were filled with a piercing, bone-corroding pain.
This pain was nothing compared to the three days and three nights of having ten thousand ants gnawing at his heart that Su Li had endured because of those sixty thousand wronged souls.
But Fu Sang was laughing.
He lowered his head and chuckled softly, his shoulders trembling. Eventually, he could no longer suppress the sound and laughed with unrestrained abandon.
For a time, only Fu Sang’s laughter remained in the clouds and mist.
Jiuzhangji stood beside him, holding that red oil-paper umbrella and looking down at him.
After a moment, he knelt on one knee and tilted the umbrella slightly toward him. With his other hand, he gently covered his shoulder. After letting it rest there for a moment, he rubbed his back as if comforting him, then asked in a gentle voice,
“What’s wrong? What are you laughing at?”
“Ha… hahaha…”
It was hard to tell whether the sound was laughter or overly heavy panting. Fu Sang’s hand, braced against the ground, gradually exerted more force. His fingers slowly curled inward, gripping so tightly that his knuckles turned white.
“Isn’t it funny…?”
Fu Sang was breathing rapidly and heavily.
Only if one looked closely could one see that his eyes were faintly red.
“…Why?”
Why?
Why was that?
Why could Zhuge Suli live such a smooth and satisfying life? Why did his master indulge his temperament, give him confidence, stand up for him, and make careful arrangements for him at every turn?
Why, even if everyone in the world hated and feared him, even if they treated him like a monster who did not fit in, was there still someone who treated him as usual, accepted him, and even led the people around him to accept his temperament as well? Someone who taught him how to conduct himself, guided him in the right direction, and prevented him from being dazzled by the riotous colors of the world?
Why… did that person have to be Qi Changying?
Ever since the two of them truly got to know each other, Qi Changying was always trying to change him(Fu Sang). He was always trying to make him a little softer, a little gentler, a little better, and trying to help him fit into this world.
It turned out that this was not due to overestimating his abilities, nor was it the indiscriminate saintly compassion he showed everyone. Rather, it was because, a thousand years ago in the distant past, Qi Changying had encountered someone similar to him. He did the same thing and succeeded once before. Even though a thousand years had passed and he had forgotten those things, his instincts still remembered that gentle and tolerant habit.
But the theories and methods that once worked failed when applied to Fu Sang, because the person standing before him was Zhuge Fusang, not Zhuge Suli.
The people Zhuge Fusang and Zhuge Suli knew since childhood, and the things they had experienced, were all different. Zhuge Suli was not imprisoned for seven years by a paranoid, sinister old man. He never suffered endless prejudice and cold stares. He never struggled alone in the world. He never thought about dying nor killing all the time. His life was neither painful nor difficult.
If they possessed the same soul, if they were the same person, why could the circumstances of Zhuge Suli and Zhuge Fu Sang be so different?
Why was he the only one to endure all the hardship and suffering? Why was everything he wanted so difficult to obtain? Why had he ended up with nothing in his hands? Why…
Why couldn’t he even have Qi Changying completely?
Fu Sang didn’t want to keep watching.
The light that Zhuge Suli had seen was simply too bright. It would hurt his eyes and burn every inch of his skin, making him appear even more ashen and gloomy by comparison.
What liking? What love?
Fu Sang didn’t understand, nor did he need to.
He only knew that Qi Changying was his, and could belong to him alone.
But the words Qi Changying spoke to Su Li floated by his ears one after another, cutting open his wounds repeatedly like a slow execution.
There is no one in this world who cannot be driven away.
Don’t say the opposite of what you mean, and don’t push him away.
Don’t wait until you’ve truly lost him to regret it.
Don’t tell him you hate him. Don’t break his heart.
Treat him a little more kindly.
…
…Zhuge Fusang, I love you very much.
What was the use?
What was the use of that?
He wasn’t Zhuge Suli.
He was Zhuge Fusang, who had grown up broken.
To him, liking, hatred, love, and resentment were all more or less the same.
Whatever he wanted was his. And what was his should be held firmly and completely in his hands.
There was little rain in the northwest, and one could see the sunrise and sunset almost every day.
But he had never been to the northwest, nor had he seen the sun from a thousand years ago.
His insides twisted and clenched in pain. It was so unbearable that Fu Sang couldn’t stop retching.
Beside him, Jiuzhangji sighed.
As if coaxing a child, he gently patted Fu Sang’s back.
“Although you always refuse to admit it… you love him very much, don’t you?”
Fu Sang’s gaze sharpened, and even his breathing stalled.
“You loved him very much when you were Little Qi, too. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have wasted a thousand years for him, and you wouldn’t have kept him here even at such a terrible cost. Perhaps you should have come to me earlier and remembered all this sooner. Then… perhaps everything would have ended differently.”
Jiuzhangji’s tone was always as calm as a still pool of water, possessing the ability to calm a person’s mind.
“…I don’t have that sort of thing.”
Su Li frowned and stood up with Jiuzhangji’s support.
Jiuzhangji lowered his eyes and smiled.
“It’s not that you don’t have it. You’ve simply never experienced it, so you don’t know what it feels like, right? I can’t teach you anything about this, because I don’t understand what people commonly call love, either. I only occasionally catch glimpses of it through the past experiences of the travelers who pass over the bridge.”
“It is something so pure and profound that it can cause the countless souls in this world to rush forward like moths to a flame, plunge into the torrent of love, become entangled in love in the mortal world, and remain trapped in the clouds and mist, unable to find release.”
As he spoke, he looked toward the road ahead.
“There’s only one last stretch of road left before we reach the end of this bridge. Do you want to continue?”
Fu Sang remained silent and did not answer.
He thought that Su Li had already obtained so many things he had never had.
That alone was enough to make him jealous.
Then what about the few things he possessed?
Did Qi Changying also say “I love you very much” to Zhuge Suli, just as he had said it to him back then?
Fu Sang didn’t need any liking or love. Whether Qi Changying loved him or not, and whether that love was real, made no difference to him.
He simply hated it when people handed him exactly what they had already given to someone else. Even if, in theory, that “other person” was also himself, it was still unacceptable.
This made Fu Sang feel a little repulsed by the “last stretch of road” before him.
He slowly clenched his fingers.
But whenever he does something, he sees it through to the end. There was absolutely no reason to retreat halfway, turn back, or give up.
Even if what lay before him was poison, he would still swallow every last drop.
So he stepped forward once more.
Strands of clouds and mist wound around him, once again dragging Fu Sang back into that dream from a thousand years ago.
…
The northern expedition against Chaosu took Qi Changying three years.
On the battlefield, he was like a ruler, sweeping forward with unstoppable momentum and soundly defeating several of Chaosu’s brave generals.
Meanwhile, Shen Huarong came up with one brilliant strategy after another. Together with Qi Changying, he led the Qi family army to break through one of Chaosu’s passes after another and capture city after city, forcing the enemy troops into a continuous retreat. Finally, in the winter of the third year, he forced the King of Chaosu out of Mount Suerla.
After that, the king personally presented a letter of surrender, finally bowing his head and promising that Chaosu would henceforth exist as a vassal state of Great Li. The two countries would use Chifeng Pass as their border, and Chaosu’s troops would never again invade Great Li’s territory.
Qi Changying truly accomplished everything he planned and promised. During the war, he minimized casualties as much as possible and did not allow the common people of either side to suffer. In three years, he accomplished what the previous generations had failed to do. He became a legend, a great hero praised by everyone among the common people.
That year, he was only twenty-two years old.
Su Li followed Qi Changying, watched the sunset over Tian Mountains and the sunrise over the Na’er River. He stood on the land of Chaosu and looked out over the entire Misuerda flower plain. He also stood amid the ruins after the battles and played a requiem on the Fusang Divine Bells, praying for the souls of thousands upon thousands of fallen heroes and helping them pass on peacefully, wishing them happiness and smooth lives in their next incarnation.
In the year the war finally came to an end, Su Li was eighteen.
He and Qi Changying had known each other since they were young. Now, he had grown from a child into a tall, slender young man. If Qi Boming were still alive, he would definitely have blown his beard and glared at the rate at which Su Li was growing, complaining that he was wasting shoes and clothes.
Qi Changying had also shed the immaturity of his youth.
After three years of fighting, having battled his way through blood and dust, he seemed not to have been tainted by even a trace of the battlefield’s violence. Instead, his temperament became gentler and more composed, like the mild breeze of spring or the clear, tranquil water of midsummer.
On the night before the army was due to return to the capital with the surrender letter in hand, the soldiers held a grand celebration for their hard-won victory.
They sat together, raising their bowls of wine and laughing heartily. As they laughed, they began to cry, and as they cried, they began to laugh again. They cried and laughed like that, for the victory, for those who had died, and for those who were still alive…and even more so for their family members and loved ones far away in the capital, who would no longer have to prepare for a farewell by death at any moment.
Su Li sat quietly among the noisy crowd, who were laughing and crying, his presence completely out of place.
Before him were the flickering lights of the bonfire and the swaying figures of people, some familiar and some unfamiliar. But they were all blurry in Su Li’s eyes, like light and shadows seen through a thin screen.
In his world, there was only one person who remained clear.
Over these three years, Su Li had seen him wearing his armor countless times. He had watched him fall ill and get injured. In a way, they had probably grown up together, little by little.
He had stayed by his side, watching him go from a spirited young general in his youth to the steady, gentle hero he was now.
He watched him experience life and death countless times, yet never forget that kind and pure heart.
Su Li sat on a rock, his cheeks warmed by the bonfire before him.
With one hand supporting his face and the other holding a bowl of wine, he gazed somewhat absentmindedly at the man in the distance who was constantly being offered drinks by others.
“Ah Li! What are you doing? It’s such a happy day, so why do you still look so lifeless, sitting there with a long face? Did someone owe you silver or something?”
Shen Huarong appeared at some point, completely drunk. He plopped down beside Su Li and casually draped an arm around his shoulders.
“What’s it to you?”
Su Li glanced at Shen Huarong, then looked back. In the blink of an eye, Qi Changying, who was among the crowd a moment ago, had disappeared.
After searching around without finding him again, Su Li took his frustration out on Shen Huarong, who happened to be nearby.
“Get lost! You drunkard. You stink!”
“My dear Ah Li, when will you ever be as patient with me as you are with Xizhi?”
“Xizhi” was the courtesy name Qi Changying took when he came of age at twenty. Su Li thought it was too awkward to pronounce and that Changying sounded much better, so he had never called him by that name.
“Oh, come on. Today is a good day! We’ve won the war and are about to return to the capital. Although we won’t make it back to celebrate this year’s New Year’s Eve in the capital, we’ll be able to spend many, many more festivals there with our families, without having to stand in the cold wind of this bitterly cold northwest. Speaking of which, Ah Li, you’ve never celebrated the New Year in the capital before.”
“That’s for you.” Su Li lowered his head and took a sip of wine.
“I don’t have any family.”
“Who says you don’t? Aren’t Xizhi and I your family?”
Shen Huarong was genuinely drunk. He put an arm around Su Li’s shoulders and leaned against him.
“Once I return, when spring comes, my marriage to Sister Yun will also be put on the agenda. You must come and drink my wedding wine then! In the future, whenever there’s a festival, we can gather at my house or at the Grand Marshal’s place. Anyway, how could a city as big as the capital not have a place for you, Qiyueban?”
“I deal with the souls of the dead every day. If I show up at your wedding banquet wearing bones and copper coins all over my body, won’t you think it’s inauspicious?”
“What’s inauspicious about that? The souls sleeping eternally in the northwest were all brothers who shared life and death with me when they were alive. They were the family members and beloved ones whom other people think about day and night. What’s inauspicious about that? Besides, who doesn’t die? After I die, I’ll also become a wandering soul. Would I think my future self is inauspicious?”
As he spoke, Shen Huarong tilted his head back and looked at the sky.
“Look, the starry sky in the northwest is truly beautiful.”
“You’ve been looking at it for four years. Haven’t you had enough?”
“Of course I haven’t.” Shen Huarong smiled, then came back to his senses.
“What about you? Now that the war is over, what are your plans? Are you going back to the capital, back to the Imperial Observatory, to continue riding on Imperial Advisor Zhuge’s head?”
“…” Su Li lowered his eyes.
He did not answer Shen Huarong.
He also did not tell him that, in fact, he did not want to return to the capital.
Once he returned to the capital, he would have to face those hypocritical, pretentious faces again.
The capital’s prosperity meant nothing to him. It was nowhere near as carefree as the vast grasslands of the northwest and the clear sky beneath the bright moon.
But if he were to stay here alone, it would be rather meaningless.
Actually, thinking about it carefully, was it really the stars and moon in the sky, the mountains and rivers beneath his feet, that he could not bear to leave behind?
He did not know whether he truly did not understand or understood but did not want to admit it. What made him reluctant to leave this world was not freedom, but…
“It’s Ah Ying.”
Su Li froze and frowned. “What did you say?”
“I said Ah Ying.”
Shen Huarong raised his hand and pointed in a certain direction.
“Isn’t that him?”
The hand Su Li had unconsciously clenched a moment ago quietly relaxed again.
He followed the direction Shen Huarong pointed and, sure enough, saw Qi Changying, whom he had lost sight of earlier, among another group of people.
From this angle, he could see Qi Changying’s profile and the warm smile illuminated by the flames.
After looking for a while, Su Li lowered his eyes slightly.
“I’m not returning to the capital. I won’t be able to attend your wedding banquet in person, but I can reluctantly send you a gift. On the day you get married, someone will deliver it to you.”
“…Hm?” Shen Huarong sobered up a little at those words.
“Why? If you’re not returning to the capital, where are you going? Are you going to guard the border for Ah Ying?”
“Is the northwest the only place in this world? The world is so big. There must be somewhere I want to go.”
The name Qi Changying was becoming increasingly dangerous to Su Li.
This feeling, something like having someone he cared about and was reluctant to leave, being bound and entangled, with his thoughts no longer entirely under his own control, made him very uneasy.
He did not know what it was. He only instinctively felt repulsed by it and wanted to reject it.
He had to sever this thing before it took complete shape.
Otherwise, he would have no choice but to make that variable disappear.
“Where are you going?”
Qi Changying’s voice suddenly rang out beside him. Su Li was startled and instinctively raised his eyes. He saw Qi Changying standing beside him with a smile, though he had no idea when the man had arrived.
Su Li could also smell that the fragrance of lilies on him had gained a trace of wine tonight.
“Why do you care where I go?”
After freezing for a moment, Su Li turned his gaze away.
“I’m sick of you. I hate you. I don’t want to stay with you. Now that our duties are finished, I want to get as far away from you as possible. What does it matter if I never want to see you again for the rest of my life?”
“…Just look at you.”
Qi Changying raised his hand and rubbed the top of Su Li’s head before sitting down on his other side.
Qi Changying had also drunk quite a bit that night. After sitting down, he imitated Shen Huarong’s gesture and put an arm around Su Li’s shoulders. Together, he and Shen Huarong squeezed Su Li between them. Then he raised the wine bowl in his hand and gently clinked it against Su Li’s.
At that moment, people nearby burst into loud laughter. Everything was noisy and chaotic. Afraid that his voice would be difficult to hear, Qi Changying naturally lowered his head and leaned toward Su Li’s ear.
In fact, the distance between them was not very close, but Su Li still instinctively wanted to move away.
It was winter, and the wind was somewhat cold, but Qi Changying’s breath was warm when he leaned over to speak.
His lips curved into a smile, and the amusement was clear in his voice.
“You’re saying the opposite of what you mean again.”
